Kroft: Hi, I’m Steve Kroft. I’m a broad shouldered, good looking, well preserved older man with deep lines on my face, magnificent hair and enough of a serious, journalistic persona that you can tell that it’s important that I’m sitting here doing this assignment. I hope you enjoyed the commercial for a wonderful new pharmaceutical product that you just saw, the perfect medication for those taking opioids who are also experiencing constipation. (Note to self: is there a connection between opioids and hemorrhoids. Have staff investigate. Sounds like a Pulitzer). Today we have about 13 minutes available for our totally by-the-numbers investigation of “How Did Google Get So Big?” (thinking to himself: “I am big, it’s the technology platforms that got bigger”) in which we will interview all of the same people everyone has already interviewed — including Jonathan Taplin (tech gadfly who produced “Mean Streets” for God’s sake), Margrethe Vestager (who has a cool office in the Hague) and Jeremy Stoppelman (so embarrassing when he almost started crying about not being on Google’s first search page). I also hope you enjoy the B-roll long and medium shots of me walking around chatting with my subjects and some awesome aerial photos of Google headquarters)…

CUT TO:

ANOTHER COMMERCIAL FOR THE SAME PHARMACEUTICAL PRODUCT TO HELP OPIOID ADDICTS AVOID CONSTIPATION [this is not a joke]